Jen 14/01/09

Ok, so, I have been umm-ing and ah-ing about whether to Blog this one, but I decided to do so because it is a great example of how convincing dreams can be and how powerfully they can alter your feelings and comprehension of the 'real' world.
This dream requires a small amount of background story about my life... Well my best friend, Anna, drowned when I was 17, after just returning to the country from a year in Brazil, it is almost the 3 year anniversary of her death.
Dream: I dreamt I was walking somewhere, with Ben Blakely (who doesn't fit at all in the time of this dream because I didn't know him when any of the people or places in the dream were in my life, yet, i digress...) I was walking away from the house I grew up in (which my mum sold recently), walking down the street and around the corner. I saw, on the other side of the road, walking up the hill dragging a big suitcase, a girl who looked a lot like Anna, but knew it couldn't be her because it was soon to be the 1 year anniversary of her death.
The girl looked at me and started running across the street to me, when she got to me it turned out it was in fact Anna! She had a very elaborate story about how she met someone at Auckland airport on her return flight from Brazil, and this person encouraged her to become an undercover, highly secret cop in Guatamala for a year to try and uncover a massive illegal crime ring (or whatever you call them).
She said the NZ Government foiled her death because it was that important to the national safety of the country. To prove her story she showed me her secret ID in which was her sitting on a Vespa totally dressed in pink, this was, by far, enough proof for me, because I was so happy to have my Anna back.
The whole time this was happening Ben was standing beside me watching.
In the dream I was filled the most amazing happiness and a feeling that I was floating, I felt so lucky and just so unbelievably stoked to have Anna back.
Then I woke up: Now here's the most interesting part, I have had maybe 3 dreams like this since she died and on waking I am always completely heartbroken that I only dreamt she was back with me and I know instantly that it isn't true and I am filled with the constant feeling of missing her that is always present.
However in this case, I knew in my brain that I had only dreamt these events, but in my heart I was still convinced that she was back, waiting for me in NZ. I knew that at some point in the day my heart would catch up with my brain and the longer that took to happen the harder it would be. But blissfully, completely unaware my heart continued to fill me with happiness and peace all day long, until approximately 9pm that night the happiness faded away, and once again I realised she was definately not here, she wasn't waiting for me and I truely would never see her again.
Now I'm sure you can see why I pondered so long over whether to blog this or not, and I Hope I made the right decision.